Oh, time... you fickle, funny, truth-telling friend.

Not to worry... I'm still alive.

I just forgot who I was for a while.   

and, I accidentally put my'self' on pause for a while.

(Draft originally written Feb 13, 2026) 

Here's the thing......

Nobody tells you how a handful of misguided turns can send your life trajectory into a downward spiral toward the abyss. 

Nobody tells you that when you dim your light and shrink yourself to "fit" into society that you could end up emotionally "like a maggot on a diet", as UK Johnny once said.

It's taken years of reflection, years of pushing, years of proving to land back into, what feels like, somewhat steady footing. It's taken severing many ties that overrode me and my voice.  

I've thought about time lost.  

I've thought about pressure. 

I've thought about all the times I was lied to and future faked. 

I've thought about ALL of the times where MY time wasn't even considered.

I've thought about all the times I went the extra miles to be lucky if it was ever reciprocated with just an inch. 

I've thought about all of the times I unknowingly put myself in those situations. 

I've thought about all the times people have been amazing to me. Some times I was oblivious about the proportions I may have taken in relation to what I gave. Dear lord, I hope I never over-took. And know, I still think about every kindness with much warmth and gratitude. 

I've thought about all the times I sold myself short and doubted myself. 

I've thought about HOW I ended up in a massive depression and came back from it. 

I've thought about how I numbed out grieving the loss of friendships that were my emotional home and later, death. 

I've thought about how that kept me living in the past as proof that I was once alive. 

I thought about the loneliness I felt from supposedly "being in love" but never feeling truly known. 

After all the thinking and all the personal sacrifices for growth, I found myself back here..... 

I found myself reading some entries from 2013 where my 25 year old self was reminding the more conforming, current self that: 

Conforming is not how I THRIVE.  It's not what gives my life fulfillment. 

Living on the edge of fear and self-trust is where I've done my best work. 

After years of tears and longing, after anesthetizing myself, hiding via libations galore for nearly two decades and more recently hiding behind work as an addiction... I have finally paused long enough to sit with the grief and start unraveling the truths and tribulations that make me an innate survivor forced by unnecessary pain, abandonment, manipulation and, etc.

And, while I'm not going to over explain what those are or why... I can give some insight to what I have learned. 

Spoiler alert!! 

These ideas are very congruent with younger me.... 

Yet THIS version of me has been known to rock cat PJs way too often

It's weird... I don't even care for cats much.

Ready?                 Nicole's 2026 revision:   

Rules for Life   -   The "anti-depression" version

(It's long. It's 10+ years in the making)

1. No one knows you better than yourself. End of story.

2. It's never too late to pick up where you left off. Hence, the loooooooong sabbatical.  

3. Trying harder does not mean better results. Someone I love very deeply introduced me to the term Wu Wei (無為) Hey ancient Taoist philosophy! How you doin'?! "Nicole, it means: Try/Not try." In fact, trying harder almost ensures you get the wrong results. Wanna force something? See the first full sentence of this post for the outcome.

4. Home can be a feeling. It can be a smell.  But more than anything; the most loving home is loving and embodying the truest, most honest form of yourself and allowing it to be expressed.. despite what others may think. And, guess what?! Others think A LOT. This brings me to the next one:

5. Most of the people that have no idea what they are doing are the quickest to give you unsolicited advice. Why is that so? I can only come to the conclusion that it's because they want to be perceived as having it figured out. Don't get me wrong.... I have been known to give a lot of unsolicited advice. See: Exhibit A) This blog. 

6. Do not let anyone tell you who you are or what you "should be"/ "should do" especially if you know you're on the right path.  Even still, if you don't know the answer ask YOURSELF. Or, ask God who translates your highest power to you... THEN SHUT UP AND LISTEN! It might take patience. But, listen when your curiosity arises! 

7. Talking about things before you take action gives your brain a dopamine hit. This tricks your brain into thinking it's already done. If you want to be fierce, tell no one until your task is complete. If you know they have clashing views, double down on the silence unless you want to be talked out of it. 

8. Not everyone will celebrate your growth. Your willingness to change, take risks or pursue fulfillment can unintentionally confront people with their own fears, stagnation or insecurities they haven't faced within themselves. It's best not to take that personally. 

9. Not everyone will understand your path. That's okay. Really?... Nobody needs to. At some point you can allow yourself your own permission to stop shrinking for others' "comfort", point your ship in the direction of living a vibrant version of yourself and put in the work required to get where you want. No one else can be the captain of your ship. And, tbh... who would want that anyway?

10. Where you go energy will flow. This is a reminder: (I'll save you looking for it...) You BECOME the five people you surround yourself with. Those five people are best suited as people you can learn from or people that inspire you. Choose VERY wisely!! It can be a very hard and painful process when the ship gets too far off course. No one wants to end up a lone captain looking for an entirely new crew to trust for the task. 

11. Listen carefully:

    A) Death waits for no one. 

    B) Old age is for those lucky enough to live to see it.  

    C) Today is the youngest you will ever be. 

    D) If you take care of you and your mental and physical HEALTH today your "self" in 5 years will thank you.

That's my dose of reality and motivation. What you do with it is on you. I suggest you: Go baby! GO!!!    Now

Here's one day of feeling that invisible "spark again". 

I won my little cow friend.... Isn't he SO cute with his pink nose?!
I also won a very large pickle. It was a plush pickle though. I won some more small plushies...(I thought it was plushes. Plushies sounds... ummm... Inappropriate?) I went on some rides. Then, I saw the ONE musician that got me through all of the thinking I mentioned above live - ALL in one day.
GLORIOUS!
Shout out to John Butler Trio.
Oh yeah, I also scored some signed vinyl and a set list from the show.

________________________________________________________________

Side note on winning at life: Collaboration, intuition, strategy and persistence pay off. 

If you can (and YOU CAN), get you a Boo who is your cheerleader and your biggest fan, not your hater. Get you someone who respects the values above and wants to see you do well in life. Then, play your buttons or cards right and get you some jackpots. Then get you a mandatory tax form so it feels very official. And then, don't forget to tell Boo how he makes you shine and how much you love him. Life is short.

Rant over.

Since my last, gimpy, entry in... 2015??? 

Nearly 11 years ago, a lot has happened!  

What do you want to hear about?

Feel free to say hello so we can knock some rust off of this ol' blog-machine!