You know? I don't think I ever talked about how all this got started in the first place....
At 23 I thought I had some things figured out. Before I decided to pack up and travel the world, I had a job that provided me enough comfort that I could go on shopping sprees. I had a pretty good schedule all things considered. I did work long hours and had a lot of responsibility but I still got to enjoy the sunlight each day.
I didn't know how to find happiness but I began to learn money wasn't it. I had just broken my ankle which caused me to rely on my mommy like if I was in pre-school. I had my crutches, my backpack and mommy would pick me up and take me to work. That was humbling!! The only thing that was missing was my lunch pail or 35 cents for lunch. (Yes, it was really 35 cents! Three dimes and a nickel to be exact)
Right after that, I fell on a toothpick. That sent me to the hospital. I was dumbfounded. It was just a toothpick!!! I was in the hospital for 4 days with blood poisoning. I had surgery and could have died..... from a TOOTHPICK!
This was a massive wake up call! I came to realize that, if a toothpick could kill me nearly anything can. Right around the same time I watched "Into the Wild" for the first time. (spoiler alert!!) The main character sets donates his interitance and sets his petty cash on fire. Later he ends ends up dying in the wilderness. But, along the way he seemed to be free and happy. His way of thinking was very much, "money is a made up concept and the only real currency is the exchange of memories". It seemed to be "If I'm not living then what is the point of not dying". It's a very backwards way to think. It's also very forward thinking.
Not too long after this, I had this random thought: "I wonder what the definition of denial is?!" Random... isn't it?! It didn't seem random at that moment. I googled it.
It turns out that there are three kinds of denial. #1) straight denial, right? It never happened or that's what we tell ourselves. #2 another kind of denial, and #3 Projection denial.
DING DING!! WINNER!!! -- DENIAL NUMBER THREE!: Where you both know and understand something happened but due to an outside influence it's not your fault. Right? You follow me? If I'm late it's because the traffic light didn't change fast enough or because there was an accident. Definitely not because I had planned poorly and didn't allow enough time for an unexpected event.
And so, I started looking at my life. I realized I had 'Denial #3'ed' my entire life. In the wise words of Suicidal Tendencies:
"Oh, what's that?
So now you say life sucks
Well, ninety-nine percent of it's
What you make of it...
So if your life sucks, you suck"
Yeah..... it's harsh. It's called Gotta Kill Captain Stupid. It's part of the weird music I listened to in high school.
I looked around at my life and took inventory. I realized that money was nothing without happiness. Then, I decided to LIVE!
I decided to make life un-suck.
Traveling was a way for me to explore new things, meet new people, experience new cultures, be present and find joy in the little things again. It was a way I could bring my curiosity back. It was a reason to take photos, to write, to be creative. It was a way for me to push my limits, learn life lessons and laugh along the way. You can read all about that in the archives....
-------- Ok, Moving right along --------
How I spend my time on this planet is important to me. I think, as humans we take the little things for granted. We're so busy rushing to get to the next place, buy the next thing, get the next promotion that we forget to stop and enjoy the thing in front of us.
I've also come to realize that a lot of people on this planet are running some program that is, by design, meant to make us miserable. Have we forgotten that we are mammals? That we are human beings? That we have basic needs? Have we forgotten that our very existence depends on our tribe?
We're so wrapped up in this spell that, again, by design, is meant to keep us envious, jealous, materialistic, shallow, lustful, busy, greedy, gluttonous, prideful, angry and now with these devices, slothy.
By no means am I saying that I'm above it. All of us get pulled into parts of it at some point. The enemy is a thief to joy. He will suck you dry if you allow him to and feed you the lie that it's in your best interest.
When you slow down and ask the hard questions... When you slow down and ask what is really important it's pretty rare that the answer is something that renders a life built by the seven deadly sins. Evenso, I think the people that respond with one of those are answering from fear. They probably don't even realize it.
Like -- what do we get from any of that? An early grave? An ego? We get to say "Oh yeah, I worked myself into the ground, hated my life, distracted myself with things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.... but they kept me comfortable, or made me feel powerful. Or probably more commonly, I hid my fear behind all of that because facing myself was too hard."
It wasn't easy to stare myself in the mirror and realize my life was build on Denial #3. It wasn't easy knowing that I was selling myself a lie. What's messed up is another version of that came up later. Why? I hate to say it but, I felt like I had no other option. I felt trapped, helpless. What's wild is it allowed me to get untrapped. It eventually allowed me a sense of false security. It allowed me groundhog day. What the heck kind of life is that?!
Dude, it hasn't been easy realizing I did it again. It hasn't been easy realizing my path was highjacked again and I allowed it.
I don't want to drink the Kool Aid anymore. I will not drink the Kool Aid anymore.
I was at church yesterday. I found the timing of the message very ummm....? on time. I've been working on listening to what I'm being told and being obedient even when I'm scared. Even when it makes no mortal sense to maneuver with such negligence.
The message at church was basically: How can we be trusted with riches when we cannot even take care of little. I found it interesting because the last time I went to church in LA it was the same sort of sermon.
Money is supposed to move through us. Just like energy and kindness. The more we give (to the right people) the more we receive back. If we give openly and trust that we will be provided for, he will provide. But, we must surrender.
Surrendering is the opposite of the American mentality.
The second point was "If you don't sow seeds why would you expect there to be a crop after the rain?" You must sow seeds to reap the benefit of the rain that is later sent your way.
Cool, So now that we got that out of the way ----
If we trust that we will be provided for and let kindness, money, energy move through us we will (be provided for).
Period.
And this is where the heart comes in.
When I was a child it just so happened that I ended up near cousins with strong values, really cool kids and room to be adventurous. The dad would tell me "Do you know how much he loves you?" or just "God loves you so much". I did not understand. I was like 5. Now I get it.
Anyway, when I answered the phone and found out I could be of help to family up north, I listened.
Did you know hummingbirds have the largest heart to body ratio?
They're considered sacred in many cultures.
They're believed to be messengers from the divine and a symbol of rebirth.
Also, strength, joy, endurance and the sweetness of life.
When I arrived up north, one of the first things I did was refill these two feeders. Since there has been nothing shy of 8 of them buzzing around. They're very fitting for here because they have the biggest heart.
I've gained a lot of perspective since I've been here. I keep saying life isn't guaranteed. I keep saying its finite. I keep saying live, live, LIVE. It hadn't hit me quite like a 2x4 to the head before.
The mom here used to give me sweet treats when I was little. She used to feed me pizza, hand me homemade popsicles, make me spaghetti, hold my hand and give me enough guidance that I didn't ever severely hurt myself. She would sing to me. When I skinned my knee she would patch me up. I'd watch the hydrogen peroxide fizz up stick a band aid on and get back to running out in the yard or playing with the horse. She would tie my shoes and brush my hair.
She and her family sowed many seeds. They have always been kind, generous and loving.
So, I am so overjoyed that I now get to make her spaghetti, make sure she is safe, tie her shoes, brush her hair and slip her sweet treats. Like, I feel my eyes twinkle. I feel them twinkle the way her late husband's used to when he talked about how much God loves us. They've been twinkling the way his would when there was pure joy present. Because-- that's what it is. It's pure joy.
I've noticed people can be scared of what lending a helping hand would cost them. Yet, they may fail to see what they can gain in the long run --- joy.
Also, community, people that care. Memories. I just typed the word "memories" and started laughing. We have had such good times, wholesome times.
I will just say, this side of the pasture is greener because it's being watered with nutrient rich water.
That's it.
I'm overjoyed that she had heart when I was a toddler and now I get to thank her for it.
I'm overjoyed I listened to what I heard... go, spend the time. See your family. Everything else can wait.
All of this to say --- Money doesn't buy happiness. I think we all know that. But what about permission to live? Permission to look in that mirror, acknowledge that we did our best, own our mistakes and do better for ourselves? It can be painful but there is so much freedom on the other side. Freedom from the chains of guilt, shame and not knowing what we don't know. Freedom to forgive ourselves. Freedom to tell the enemy to take a hike, that those things don't belong in your home.
For me, joy comes from surrounding myself with people that want to nothing from me so I can give freely and it be reciprocated. From people that love me and treat me with kindness. People that have made peace with the things that could haunt them and have chosen to do better with their life for themselves.
People that aren't afraid to admit "I'm scared" and trust themselves or God through it. Because, dude... he does show up with the rain to make those seeds sprout. It requires honesty with yourself and surrender. It requires putting the ego away, trusting him, listening to him and obeying him.
I believe when you honor him and yourself you honor those around you. THAT, I believe, is the key to happiness.
Life has a way of putting obstacles in our way to make us learn our lessons. Some times they're very hard lessons. It's almost like the harder the lesson, the bigger the payoff.
Maybe I've been stubborn and blinded myself. I guess I wasn't listening... so it takes a whole 2x4" to get through to me?
If the shoe fits, I guess.
Regardless, I sit here in gratitude.
